Pig Sick

I can't believe how stupid the Egyptians are.

I mean, the clues have been there all along. They invented a language that was only ever going to be any use if you wanted to write about dogs with the heads of birds walking sideways and winged disks and shit like that, but even so...

Stupid doesn't even begin to describe it. They have elevated "stupid" to an art form. They are slaughtering every pig in the country because of the world-wide "pandemic" of Swine Flu. This despite the fact that the transmissions among the 100 or so people who have got it, a handful of whom have died, worldwide, have all been people-to-people, and even in Mexico, the original cases might have been from people who bathed daily in lagoons of pigshit, which is still one step removed from the actual pig.

Unless pigs have suddenly developed the ability to fly, as in the old saying, they are not responsible, and in any case, "pandemic" is a geographical distribution term, not a measure of strength or virulence.

Meanwhile, our own wonderful media have been falling over themselves to hype up Swine Flu like there's no tomorrow. In fact, the premise that there is no tomorrow has been the key one behind much of the coverage, as they hastily dug out their old bird flu powerpoint slides and set to work with the search and replace facility (find feathers, replace with trotters, replace all, exit).

Gordon Broon, of course, has grabbed at the opportunity presented by Swine Flu with all the grateful eagerness of a drowning man who, about to go under for the third time, sees a gaily coloured lifebelt tied helpfully to a sturdy rope, bobbing on the tide towards him. What better distraction could there be from his other daily woes; MP's pay and expenses; the Gurkha fiasco; the collapse of LDV and the awkward questions it raises about "real help now"; the credit crunch and its non-effect on pension-drawing bankers, and the fact that everyone from Chalres Clarke to Hazel Blears is queueing up to wield the "ceremonial paper knife of oriental design" so beloved of Agatha Christie and so often found by M. Poirot embedded in the necks of her victims.

This is politics for dummies, page 1 chapter 1, para 1. So we have Cobra being summoned (Smersh must be quaking in their boots) leaflets being sent out to all households in the UK, TV adverts telling us that Charlie says always sneeze into a tissue. Broon (even Broon) can't lose on this one. If it happens, he'll be able to turn it into another Foot and Mouth (though hopefully without the pyres of burning pensioners) and if it doesn't happen, why, his prompt action saved the nation! They might even be able to keep it going for long enough to hide the fact that Labour is going to go down in the forthcoming Euro and Local Elections in a similar manner, and in similar numbers, to the Light Brigade at Balaclava.

The only way it could possibly go wrong for him is if somehow the flu does turn out to be deadly, and somehow it gets out of control despite the 61 million leaflets. Which, given Broon's reverse midas touch of late, could always happen. Better stock up on Lem-Sip, just in case.