An Urgent Appeal By The Disasters Emergency Committee

AN URGENT APPEAL BY THE DISASTERS EMERGENCY COMMITTEE: PLEASE READ!

This week's good cause: Simon is 46, and like 649 other people in the UK, is totally unable to manage on his meagre salary of £65,000pa as an MP.

"Yah, it's totally dreadful", he says. "Some months, we can't afford to have the moat professionally cleaned at all, and I have to round up some jobseekers in my constituency and threaten to cut off their benefits, to make them do it for free instead. I'm down to my last three houses, and only the other day I scuffed my last pair of good brogues, tripping over a homeless person in Oxford Street. If daddy hadn't found me this part-time job in his stockbroker firm, I don't know how I'd make ends meet!"

"People think being an MP is a cushy number, but those expenses forms take hours to fill in, so there's actually very little time left for answering whining letters from pensioners living off cat food on toast who can't afford to put the heating on, especially as I have a table reserved for lunch. I haven't been to Granita for several days now."

Please give generously. £10 will buy Simon a grass-fed organic beefburger from Pret a Manger with all the trimmings, allowing him to tweet a picture of himself eating it, which will do wonders for his self esteem, as he thinks of his constituents foraging in the skips behind Tesco. £650 will buy him an ornamental duck house for the lake at his family seat, so that he will be able to go to bed at night safe in the knowledge that his ducks have a roof over their heads, even if those dreary people kipping down under the arches don't.

Unless we act quickly, there is a very real danger that Simon, and those like him, may be forced to live in the real world, with the rest of us. It is vital that we prevent this happening, and give up our cash to enable them to maintain their sheltered, fantasy existence.

Please send whatever you can afford today, no matter how large, in a plain brown envelope or jiffy bag marked "Bung Bonanza Appeal" to:-

Sir Simon Tiglet-Frisbee, OM, KPMG,
The Distressed MPs' Benevolent Society,
The Old Rectum,
Wystan Auden,
Wilts.
EXE 5SS

And Simon, and the other poor unfortunates like him, will thank you from the heart of their bottoms.